


nailed

by peachpety



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cock Soap, Crack, Dick Jokes, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Oblivious Harry, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:46:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26071360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachpety/pseuds/peachpety
Summary: An innocent search for a birthday gift has Harry in quite a lather.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 69
Kudos: 210





	nailed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CheekyTorah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheekyTorah/gifts).



> This, my second texting fic, was inspired, yet again, by the brilliant lovelies on the Drarry Discord, conversing about CheekyTorah's most excellent crafting abilities. Yes, this amazing dick soap exists IRL, and can be purchased from CheekyTorah at [Lather and Rinse](https://www.facebook.com/groups/252778672729521/?ref=share). 
> 
> The exquisite 'leaf goddess' blown-glass bowls are handcrafted by the talented Sarah Burchill. Find her and all of her beautiful 'weird and wonderful' works on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/WeirdWondrous/), on [facebook](https://www.facebook.com/WeirdWondrous), and at her [website](https://sarahburchill.com/). Both artists graciously allowed me to use their art in this fictional setting and embed images herein. Thank you!! 
> 
> Thank you, as well, to static_abyss and trishjames for the most excellent beta - your gentle guidance regarding a delicate matter is most appreciated. And toluene, a summary and tag wrangler if ever there was one...love you, sweet! mwah! 
> 
> To VeelaWings (a phD in lovely), Lia (a goddess in her own right), Tacky (founder of Wandsy) and, of course, the darling CheekyTorah for the endlessly amusing inspiration! <3
> 
> I had an absolute blast with this one, y'all. Enjoy! xo peach

_2:58 PM_

_so, draco_

_i’ve a question_

**2:58 PM**

**You said you’d text when you woke.**

_2:59 PM_

_sound the trumpets_

_i have risen_

**3:01 PM**

**IT IS 3 O’CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON, YOU RUFFIAN.**

**Longbottom’s birthday party is at 6, you realize.**

_3:02 PM_

_i was on the internet all night_

**3:02 PM**

**Not that horrible dating website?**

**Cupid 4 Wizards…?**

**An abysmal way to meet a prospective mate.**

**Honestly.**

3:04 PM

_no i’m done trolling_

**3:05 PM**

**The Hero of the Wizarding World.**

**Given up already.**

_3:05 PM_

_no_

_i’ve a date tonight_

**3:08 PM**

**You’ve a date for Neville’s party?**

_3:08 PM_

_fuck no_

_i’m meeting him for drinks after_

**3:11 PM**

**Him?**

_3:11 PM_

_he looked nice?_

_anyway i’ve a question_

_youre familiar with the website where artists sell spell-crafted items yes?_

_wandsy_

**3:13 PM**

**Yes, I am aware of this website.**

**I am not daft.**

_3:14 PM_

_i vortexed on the site all night_

**3:14 PM**

**Seems a tragic misuse of your time.**

_3:15 PM_

_i wanted something unique for neville_

_something crafted_

_a seeds and weeds kind of thing_

**3:16 PM**

**For fucks sake, Potter, his party is tonight!**

**You’ve had months to get him a gift!**

_3:16 PM_

_look what i stumbled across_

_cock soap_

_[jazz hands]_

**3:18 PM**

**. . . 💬**

**3:22 PM**

**Please tell me you are not gifting Longbottom cock soap.**

_3:23 PM_

_idk_

_theres one here called The Neville_

🍆

**3:23 PM**

**A coincidence, surely.**

**It’s a fairly common name.**

_3:24 PM_

_this shop is called_

_nailed artisanal soaps_

**3:25 PM**

**Fascinating.**

_3:25 PM_

_NAILED_

_artisANAL_

🍆🍆🍆

**3:25 PM**

**What are you, 12?**

**3:26 PM**

**I think it’s quite elegant.**

_3:26 PM_

_i passed out before i had a proper look_

_lets peruse their cock catalogue_

_shall we?_

**3:26 PM**

**I'm sure it’s not worthy of our time, Potter.**

_3:29 PM_

__

_The Blaise_

**3:31 PM**

**Yes, yes.**

**This is all very amusing.**

_3:31 PM_

_lol_

_all the dicks have names_

**3:32 PM**

**But I must bid you adieu.**

**I need to make myself presentable for Longbottom’s party.**

_3:37 PM_

_BLOODY_

_HELL_

_MALFOY_

_all the dicks have names_

_OF OUR FRIENDS_

_nevillle_

_balise_

_gEorge thEO_

_seeamus_

_corMAC??_

**3:38 PM**

**Again, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.**

_3:39 PM_

_RON???!!!_

_IT HAS FRECKLES_

_ALSKLDLSKFJLSDKSDJ_

_3:40 PM_

_who the fuck is this??!!_

**3:40 PM**

**Potter, is it really important?**

_3:40 PM_

_the creator is BlondeAdder_

**3:40 PM**

**HARRY.**

**I really don’t think this is necessary.**

_3:42 PM_

_ugh_

_this profile is so pretentious_

_and kind of insulting_

**3:42 PM**

**. . . 💬**

  
  


_3:43 PM_

_OHMYGODITSYOU_

_youYOU ARE BLONDEE ADDER_

**3:43 PM**

**. . . 💬**

_3:44 PM_

_iM_

_IAM LOOKING AT YOR PICTURE RN_

_FROM PASNY’S WEDDING_

_blooDY hell_

**3:44 PM**

**. . . 💬**

**3:51 PM**

**Fuck.**

_3:52 PM_

_Fully erect, these unique, wand-crafted soaps will wet your whistle!_

_They are the perfect companion in the bath or shower_

**3:52**

**fuckfuckfuck**

_3:53 PM_

_WHEN YOUR WAND NEEDS AN EXTRA POLISH_

**3:53 PM**

**Pansy is in charge of the branding.**

**That was clearly a mistake.**

_3:53 PM_

_you make cock soap_

**3:54 PM**

**Yes.**

**Yes, I do.**

_3:56 PM_

**. . . 💬**

_EXPLAIN_

**3:56 PM**

**What’s to explain?**

**I create artisanal soaps and sell them on Wandsy**.

_3:57 PM_

_COCK SOAP, MALFOY_

_how_

_how even???_

**3:58 PM**

**Molly helped me get started.**

_3:58 PM_

_molly weasley_

_mrs weasley_

_you mean to say_

_the woman who i consider a MUM_

_helped you sell your DICK SOAP on the internet_

**4:00 PM**

**It's ‘whom’, Potter.**

**And yes, she was most helpful.**

**Her Weasley Witchy Wares shop is highly remunerative.**

_4:01 PM_

_she sells knitted sweaters!_

_not cock soap!_

_!!!!_

**4:01 PM**

**I don’t see what’s got your knickers in a twist.**

**Ginevra sells her ‘goddess leaves’ at the shop.**

_4:02 PM_

_leaf bowls_

_LEAVES_

_not cocks_

_!!!_

**4:04 PM**

**You think these are leaves?**

**Oh, Harry.**

_4:04 PM_

_what, they're leaves_

_i’m looking right at them_

**4:04 PM**

**Look closer.**

_4:05 PM_

_???_

**4:05 PM**

**The sensuous edges and the stem nub…**

_4:08 PM_

_OH FCKINGHELL_

_FUCKFUCKFUC_

**4:08 PM**

**Laughing My Arse Off**

_4:08 PM_

_you don’t need to spell it out, malfoy_

**4:09 PM**

**Apparently I do.**

**And in this instance, most definitely.**

_4:09 PM_

_i gave one to my assistant for xmas_

_as a gift_

**4:10 PM**

**Yes, and I’m sure her GIRLFRIEND appreciated it, too.**

_4:10 PM_

_oh god_

**4:10 PM**

**You’ve dated women, Potter.**

**Ginevra, even!**

**Surely this isn’t a shock.**

_4:11 PM_

_to be fair_

_my knowledge is limited_

_i admit i haven’t spent a lot of time with_

_...leaves_

**4:11 PM**

**The Daily Prophet informs otherwise.**

_4:11 PM_

_MISINFORMED_

_don’t get me wrong_

_i like leaves_

_i’m just more of a twig kind of guy_

🍆

**4:12 PM**

**Crude.**

**4:13 PM**

**And mildly interesting.**

_4:13 PM_

_so_

_you “wandcraft artisANAL soaps”_

_named for our friends_

_they all know about this?_

**4:13 PM**

**Of course, Potter.**

**Everything is above board.**

**I’ve gotten everyone’s permission.**

**Well, Cormac accosted me and demanded that I name one for him.**

**But, yes, everyone is aware.**

_4:14 PM_

_now i have so many questions_

_SO MANY_

**4:14 PM**

**I think I need a glass of Merlot for this.**

**Allow me one moment.**

**4:19 PM**

**I’m back. Ask what you will.**

  
  


_4:19 PM_

_do you_

_magically form these cocks_

_from the live model ??_

_or_

**4:20 PM**

**I am appalled, Potter.**

**Shocked and appalled.**

_4:20 PM_

_says the bloke who sells cock soap named for our friends_

**4:20 PM**

**Fucking hell.**

**I have a dick mold.**

_4:20 PM_

_and a phD in making penis soaps?_

**4:21 PM**

**Of course not, Potter.**

**I took a soap-making class.**

**I have a certificate.**

_4:21 PM_

_but not a ph_

_Deeeeeeee_

🍆🍆🍆

**4:21 PM**

**I’m turning my phone off now.**

_4:22 PM_

_nonononodon’t go_

_4:23 PM_

__

_this is quite an army of captains_

**4:23 PM**

**My best sellers.**

**The Neville, The Blaise, and The Cormac.**

_4:23 PM_

_they’re all… big_

_i’m a bit intimidated ngl_

**4:24 PM**

**The soaps are only 12 cm base to tip.**

**It looks bigger in the photo.**

_4:24 PM_

_that’s what he said_

**4:24 PM**

**Who?**

_4:24 PM_

_nvm_

_neville looks radioactive_

**4:25 PM**

**He’s honey and coconut scented.**

**Green thumb, green…**

**Well.**

**You understand.**

**Unless you need me to spell it out.**

_4:25 PM_

_LMAO_

_NO NO_

_The Blaise_

**4:25 PM**

**Blaise wanted no bells and whistles, just a “simple, black cock”.**

**I can’t keep him in stock.**

_4:25 PM_

_The Cormac_

_!!_

**4:25 PM**

**Yes, he was adamant about the red cockhead.**

**And he wanted to be facial soap.**

**Heathen.**

_4:26 PM_

_a facial from cormac_

_i’m_

_ive no words_

**4:26 PM**

**I was hesitant.**

**But he’s one of my top three.**

**Ronald is livid.**

_4:26 PM_

_and these others?_

_the one with the veins???_

**4:26 PM**

**The George.**

**Rather vulgar but are we surprised?**

_4:27 PM_

_no absolutely not_

**4:27 PM**

**Seamus wanted a green one as well.**

**Viva La Ireland!**

**But he settled for the rainbow shaft and gold bollocks.**

**The treasure at the end of the rainbow.**

**If you will.**

_4:27 PM_

_omg_

**4:28 PM**

**Indeed.**

**And I wand-paint each of those infernal freckles on The Ron, I’ll have you know.**

**And the veins on The George!**

**Bloody Weasleys.**

_4:28 PM_

_that’s_

_quite an image_

**4:29 PM**

**It’s painstaking but the effect is brilliant.**

**Ron’s girlfriend has a monthly refill subscription.**

**4:30 PM**

**So there you go, Potter.**

**You may now mock and ridicule.**

_4:30 PM_

_no, i’m_

_i’m_

_i’m rather impressed honestly_

**4:31 PM**

**It is all tongue-in-cheek, but it is lucrative.**

**Plus, an added bonus, my ancestors are rolling in their mausoleums.**

_4:31 PM_

_i don’t see a_

_harry_

_in your inventory_

**4:31 PM**

**NO**

_4:33 PM_

_oh_

**4:33 PM**

**I mean, Harry cock?**

**Sounds terrifying, actually.**

_4:33 PM_

_idk_

_someone might want it_

**4:33 PM**

**Nobody wants a Sasquatch dick, Potter.**

_4:34 PM_

_my dick is not sasquatch_

_and you never know_

_some like hairy men_

_its a niche clientele_

**4:34 PM**

**LMAO**

_4:34 PM_

_cheers_

  
4:37 PM

_i don’t see a draco_

_?_

**4:38 PM**

**I actually do have a Draco.**

_4:38 PM_

_but not for sale_

**4:39 PM**

**It’s only in my private collection.**

**Seems rather presumptuous to sell one named for me.**

_4:39 PM_

_i'd buy it_

**4:39 PM**

**. . . 💬**

  
  


**4:42 PM**

**. . . 💬**

_4:42 PM_

_whats this place holder?_

_the luna coming soon_

_you named a cock soap for luna??_

**4:42 PM**

**Hermione and I have a plan to expand my client base.**

_4:43 PM_

_how diplomatic_

**4:43 PM**

**It’s decoupage.**

**Ginevra wand-draws floral patterns on sheets of travel soap.**

**And Luna decoupages the cocks.**

**It’s in trial right now.**

_4:44 PM_

_floral dick-oupage_

**4:44 PM**

**DO NOT TELL THAT TO PANSY.**

_4:44 PM_

_ive already texted her_

**4:45 PM**

**Thanks ever so.**

**I see someone named ‘goldenboy80’ put a Cormac in his cart.**

_4:45 PM_

_yeah well the one he really wants isnt for sale_

**4:48 PM**

**Actually, Potter...**

**I do have a soap called The Harry.**

_4:48 PM_

_you do??????_

**4:50 PM**

**It was the prototype.**

**The first soap I ever made.**

**But I’d never sell it.**

  
  


_4:50 PM_

_you wouldn’t_

**4:51 PM**

**It’s in my private collection.**

**4:53 PM**

**Just for me.**

4:53 PM

**. . . 💬**

_4:54 PM_

_i think i need a private tour of this private collection, draco_

_like RN_

**4:54 PM**

**Longbottom’s party starts in an hour.**

_4:54 PM_

_i predict we will be fashionably late_

**4:56 PM**

**And your date?**

_4:56 PM_

_he’s not BlondeAdder_

_so_

_he doesn’t exactly wet my whistle_

**4:56 PM**

**I’ve removed The Cormac from your cart.**

**The item I’ve added I hope you’ll much prefer.**

_4:58 PM_

_i thought The Draco wasn’t for sale_

**4:58 PM**

**It’s a limited time offer, goldenboy80.**

_4:58 PM_

_i’ll take the lot_

**4:59 PM**

**The wards are down.**

_4:59 PM_

_omw_

**Author's Note:**

> The dick soap in this fictional piece exists in real life! Purchase it [here](https://www.facebook.com/groups/252778672729521/?ref=share)!
> 
> Sarah Burchill's hand-blown glass art can be found on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/WeirdWondrous/), on [facebook](https://www.facebook.com/WeirdWondrous), and at her [website](https://sarahburchill.com/).
> 
> Find peachpety indulgently lurking on [tumblr](http://peachpety.tumblr.com/) and as peachpety on the Drarry Discord.


End file.
